Ruptured Attachment & Repairing Attachment

Ruptured Attachment and Repairing Attachment

I watched a TED talk a while back about how a game of peek-a-boo can change the world. It discussed the importance of consistent responsive caregiving for development. In the video's live experiment, a father was instructed to ignore his baby and focus on his tablet even though the baby wanted his attention. The baby became very clearly extremely distressed, and eventually despondent, searching for another source of comfort.

Afterwards, the father was instructed to give his baby attention and play with him. Almost instantly, the baby returned back to his bubbly self. The point of this illustration was to demonstrate how easily babies are affected by unresponsive caregiving and attachment, but how it is very possible even with small actions to consistently repair that.

It showed, in real time, that the attachment relationship is one which requires deliberate time and engagement to develop. Not only that, it is built in ways as simple as a game of peek-a-boo. This was a simple, yet powerful illustration as to the role of the caregiver in their child’s development.

The attachment relationship lays the foundation of nearly every other element of the child’s life and development, as I have said throughout this Issue. It is a precious, fragile thing, which is why when it is broken, it has catastrophic consequences. But mending it provides hope for a child’s and society’s future.

This article touches on what severed attachment looks like and its consequences. It also tries to give hope in the midst of this.

The stages and consequences of separation

Children will often naturally try hard to build a relationship with their caregiver, as Bowlby showed us in the development of attachment. However, this unfortunately is not always successful. Often where this fails, the child fully gives up. We see this in the abovementioned TED talk where the baby proceeded to crawl away after his father ignored him. This was after just a few seconds of disengagement, but other children have to endure this most of the time. The damage to these children is much worse.

John Bowlby identified stages in the separation process. This is essentially the breaking down of efforts at attaching when a baby's attempts are unsuccessful. This happens to protect the baby and provide room for someone else to come in and attach with them. He stated that when children are separated from their caregivers, they will display signs of being upset. This is the initial stage and involves things like screaming, crying, and causing general upset to make their caregiver come back. If this is unsuccessful, they become despondent, which is evident of their state of despair and a way of conserving their energy and preserving themselves.

The final stage of separation is where the infant realises that they are alone and detaches (separates the association of that caregiver with closeness and safety). They then start becoming more independent. This independence is both them making room for a new caregiver to attach to, and a realisation that they need to depend on themselves to survive.

While early independence may seem like a good thing, it really isn’t when it is too early.

That child does not learn to trust other people or the world, leading to a skewed view of themselves, others, and their place in the world. Their brains are also so flooded with stimulation as they have no guide and regulator, that brain development gets affected in terms of the patterns they learn and how they respond to the world. They are not guided in regulation and understanding the world, and have to figure things out for themselves.

These stages show that detachment happens over time with severe consequences. They also show, however, that while it is not ideal, infants, babies, and children are adaptable to changes in attachment relationships, though it is not without damage, especially in building inherent trust. This is encouraging as it demonstrates that if a child loses their primary caregiver, they may still be able to find someone else to attach to.

Unmet expectations

At the centre of the attachment relationship is safety and consistency. Babies are hardwired to seek out that attachment because it literally means life for them. There is evidence that babies will even regulate their own behaviour so as not to upset their caregiver and disrupt their relationship.

Despite the inherent potential for children to attach, unfortunately, there are children whose needs go unmet for so long that they completely fail to develop any secure attachment relationship well into adulthood (further discussed in Issue 7). This involves some more complex processes in their brains leading to unconscious behaviours. This is not something that can be easily rectified by just willpower or attitude, but which requires an entire worldview and self-view restructuring, often with assistance.

I have seen many instances where there is a clear breakdown in the attachment relationship, and this is not always easy to understand or repair, especially when a child is older. Oftentimes, it is because of absent parents or parents who do not understand the need for creating and maintaining a secure attachment relationship. Where parents are absent, children lose out on that consistency which creates safety.

The attachment relationship is why so many good interventions targeted at babies and children always focus on the caregiver’s wellbeing and their relationship with the child as well. Because everything, including the success of any intervention, stems from that relationship and these two elements cannot be separated.

Loss of caregivers and grief

Bowlby’s understanding of attachment came from children who had been separated from their caregivers, and he showed that a caregiver is crucial to the child’s development. At any stage of their life, a child’s caregiver is extremely important to them and the loss of that individual carries immediate negative consequences. We are able to see that and the grief even in infants.

Being permanently separated from a caregiver is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a child. However, as I have been saying, children are hardwired to seek out attachment and relationship. With enough time and investment, trust can be built up and a new secure attachment relationship developed. Although this works best for younger children.

When a child’s entire world is destabilised and they have lost their primary caregivers who they have already attached to, they suffer an intense trauma and grief. Another psychological theorist, Melanie Klein (who we’ll discuss in a later Issue) speaks of the devastation and lasting effects an infant experiences when their needs are not met and they’re not attended to by their parent for long enough.

The stages of separation we discussed are really hectic for the child and their senses, their place in the world and who they are, are completely destabilised. Think of how identity formation, confidence and independence are developed so young from Winnicott's theory.

Relational Issues and Defensive Mechanisms

As children grow, this loss of safety reveals itself in many ways. When someone does not feel safe, they will always try to defend themselves. Similarly, when a baby or young child does not feel safe and secure in their attachment relationship, they will always look for ways to protect and preserve themselves from the world, whether it’s physically or emotionally.

Sigmund Freud discussed how these defensive mechanisms due to issues in childhood can continue all the way up to adulthood. He wasn’t speaking about attachment particularly, but this idea has value when we think of attachment.

Think about people in relationships who make the relationship all about themselves, or who chose to hurt you or distance themselves from you before you can hurt them. Other people choose to stay away from any kind of close relationship, preferring to stay superficial so that they avoid pain. Not only will they struggle in navigating relationships, but they struggle with self-worth, self-esteem, and self regulation. They may have ways of acting out to defend themselves as they may not always fully understand themselves or others, or be able to fully process their feelings, as they likely lost out on navigating that in a safe way.

While all these examples of people may seem problematic and frustrating to the person receiving this treatment from them, they often have very clear roots in infancy and childhood, showing the lasting impact a disrupted attachment relationship can have much later in life.

Attachment issues show themselves in attachment styles yet again. A child who does not feel safe or have an adequate attachment relationship will often fall into the insecure-avoidant (dismissive) and insecure-resistant (ambivalent) categories.

Now I've spoken about this from a purely social and emotional perspective, but make no mistake, there are certainly serious cognitive development issues as a result of this as well.

The Takeaway

Given the largely fallen state of our world, too many children are being separated from their parents and caregivers (or their affectionate care) in various horrible ways. Too many children are lost and alone and lonely in this world. Without a consistent, loving caregiver, life and the future feels hopeless for them.

But all is not lost.

There is often hope for the individual.

The example I discussed right at the beginning demonstrates that it is possible to fix the mistakes caregivers/parents make in their attachment relationship and responsive caregiving.

If we return back to our basic premise: that as long as there is at least one person in the world who consistently cares for and loves that child, and creates stability in their lives, so much damage can be mended and their future can become much brighter.

As long as someone is available in some capacity to respond to their needs, most times they will form an attachment and end up okay.

And that is an encouragement.

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