A "good-enough" mother: Exploring attachment, responsive caregiving, and development

Donald Winnicott

Donald Winnicott was a paediatrician and psychoanalyst who developed a theory of attachment through carefully observing and documenting interactions between mothers and their babies. His attachment theory, therefore, is scientifically-based, but also provides a very practical and useful lens to understand the development of attachment through responsive caregiving, and its impact on child development.

Winnicott’s theory provides us with a deeper way of looking at the attachment relationship between caregiver and child and how it forms the foundations of who they become as an adult - how a caregiver’s response to their child supports or hinders emotional development. This theory gives us an idea of how the early bonds of an attachment relationship between a caregiver and baby translate into healthy social and emotional development and habits later in life. It also demonstrates just how important these things are for a child's future.

He gives us a systematic and relevant way of understanding the attachment relationship and a way of understanding how different elements of the child’s relationship with their primary caregiver influence who they become.

It's such a wonderful theory, as it demonstrates to us how crucial the caregiver’s role is, again not just in typical caregiving, but in responsive caregiving – in building a meaningful relationship with their young child. It’s such a beautiful and healthy lens to understand relationships and development from. He shows us that responsive caregiving is crucial to the development of a healthy attachment relationship, yet not only that, it has such a huge impact on a child’s development in clear, observable ways.

The “good-enough” mother

At the centre of Winnicott’s theory is something called the “good-enough” mother. This individual doesn’t need to be the child’s biological mother, but any of their primary caregivers. The “good-enough” mother is a responsive individual who looks out for the baby and their needs. At the heart of this concept is the idea that there is no such thing as a perfect mother, and that’s good, because imperfection is good in that it carries multiple benefits for the baby (not to mention taking off the load of perfectionism for the mother). Some of the benefits of being a “good-enough” mother are:

- Attunement and Communication Skills: The good-enough mother is a mother who is not perfect, but is attuned to her individual baby’s needs and signals. While this mother doesn’t always get it right, she learns from her mistakes. The good thing about the “good-enough” mother is that this lack of perfection benefits both mother and baby. The baby doesn’t always get every single need met immediately as sometimes the mother misses it. This could help the baby to become better at communicating their needs because they learn that the world does not know exactly how they are feeling or what is going on in their heads.

- Independence: Through the frustration of the baby’s needs not being met immediately, they come to realise early on that they and the mother are two separate individuals responding to each other and working together, rather than a single individual.

This forms the foundation of individual identity development for a child, which allows their caregiver to become more confident in releasing them into the world as they grow more confident and independent. The caregiver does not need to hover around their child and the child learns to stand on their own without being overdependent on their caregiver throughout their lives.

Part of the child’s move toward independence are transitional objects. These are objects, like a teddy bear or a blanket or even something non-physical like a bedtime routine that for whichever reason recreates that feeling of safety that a baby or young child comes to associate with their primary caregiver, almost like an extension of them. The mother may not always be there, but the object is.

Transitional objects fill the gap between the child’s need for safety and the reality that their caregiver isn’t always going to be there, perhaps at school which can possibly help soothe themselves as well. As they grow, children should come to rely less and less on their caregiver or transitional object for safety and come to internalise that safety as a sese of confidence and independence.

- Emotional Resilience and positive identity development: Again, the caregiver’s failure to always get it right isn’t a failure, but a good thing and a reflection of the real world. It develops a level of resilience to failed expectations in the world later on. This relationship that the baby forms with the good-enough mother therefore shows them that the world is not a cruel, harsh place, but is not perfect either, which can aid in their emotional development.

They learn that they do not need to be afraid of or hostile toward the world, but understand its imperfections and not internalise failed expectations as a statement of their self-worth and value, but simply the result of an imperfect world that they need to interact with.

They learn that the world responds to them, and they respond to the world This understanding is underpinned by the baby/child learning to soothe themselves when their caregiver or the world fails to meet their needs, another foundation of the development of emotional regulation.

The Holding Environment

More than just being “good-enough” at responding to the child’s needs, the caregiver is the place of safety that the child runs to whenever something in the world scares or confuses them and they don’t know for themselves how exactly to respond. A holding environment becomes more important when we start discussing emotions and regulation in Issue 6, but it is a figurative place that is created that makes a child feel safe and supports their psychological and emotional needs and development.

The phrase “actions speak louder than words” becomes especially relevant here, because how a caregiver acts in creating a holding environment (an emotional safe space) for the child, resonates so much more than telling them “I love you” 20 times a day.

It is the space where the child processes things which happen to them in a way that helps them to grow and heal if necessary. It requires time, patience, intentionality on the part of the caregiver. Becoming a holding environment for a child is what makes the child feel safe in their relationship with their caregiver.

This aids in their identity development because early experiences will shape how children’s personalities develop. It’s not just about their predispositions or natural, biological inclinations, but what kind of environment their caregiver creates for them.

The holding environment isn’t just a space for the child to be their themselves, it is also a place for healthy guidance. A child should feel safe enough to not hide parts of who they are in front of their caregiver, because this allows for protection, correction, and guidance where they may be going astray. A holding environment creates that delicate balance between being safe and comfortable, but also allowing the child to acknowledge that even in discipline or correction, they are still safe and loved.

The Takeaway

Winnicott demonstrates that caregiving isn’t about perfection, but consistency, and provides us with a handy way of tracking and measuring caregiving. Your efforts, based on your child’s need and the manner in which you provide that caregiving (no matter how it looks), matters far more than exactly what you do or how frequently you get it right.

This concept is at the heart of responsive caregiving.

Caregiving always needs to be intentional, because no matter what your level of intentionality, there will always be an outcome in terms of child development. These outcomes are not absolute because sometimes resilience comes in or a child of a loving family doesn’t turn out like them, but they are pretty reliable and consistent.

Building a meaningful relationship is so important to so many other aspects of the child’s life, so this is not something that should be taken lightly or seen as optional. It shows that caregivers need to be intentional about building this relationship, but takes off the pressure by showing that this relationship and the caregiver do not need to be perfect, just consistent.

And consistently loving.

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