Issue 5 - Reflection

Bonding can be facilitated in even the smallest ways

When I used to volunteer with a particular organisation, I would go to a clinic every week where there were mothers of babies and very young children sitting and waiting to be seen. Because this was a public clinic setting, the waiting times were very long, so I had time to watch what was going on.

It would always break my heart when I would see mothers holding their children and their child desperately wanted to get their attention but all they were interested in was scrolling on their phones watching social media videos. Other times, mothers would simply place a phone in front of the child and just let them watch whatever they wanted.

The problem with this kind of behaviour is twofold. We now know that the brain is constantly learning and looking for opportunities to learn, and we also know that attachment styles are often quite solidified very early on. When a child reaches out to bond with their mother and are met with a brick wall or given a phone instead, that child does not learn to come to their mother as a safe place.

Attachment cannot just be switched on when the mother decides, it is a process that develops over time. Now, I imagine that these mothers had specific things going on in their lives which may have led to these responses in the moment (after all, I was just seeing a single moment in their lives), but there were mothers who would make an effort to engage with their babies and even seemed to really enjoy doing so. It always warmed my heart to see those!

I would like to combat this idea that bonding can only happen when all the right things line up and make life easier, and rather advocate for caregivers finding moments to reach out to their children even in the small, seemingly insignificant moments, because those moments can build and solidify the bond.

For example, just a few months back I was in the mall (such a wonderful space to witness interactions). We were waiting to pay for our parking ticket and there was a mother with her baby boy in his stroller beside her. The little boy was completely knackered and was in an obvious lull or possible boredom (I’m not sure whether babies get bored). Now, my automatic reaction when I see a baby is to greet and wave and make faces at them.

Naturally, this was what I did as soon as I saw his adorable little face. Needless to say, this exhausted little champ looked at me as though I was no more interesting than the wall and world he had been watching go by. Now, while his mother was paying, it was taking a bit of time, so she reached out for his hand and started ‘dancing’ with him, cooing/singing all the while.

The moment his mother’s hand touched his, I watched his beautiful little face light up with such delight (even though at that moment he wasn’t looking directly into her face). At that moment, and in that interaction, both mom and baby lit up with so much love and delight, and he essentially woke up from his lull from not seconds before.

Now I was naturally feeling uninteresting to the child and my ego was hurt, but it was so beautiful to witness that responsiveness of both mother and baby in that moment - that moment of touch and how it stimulated something in both of them. How they were both made happy, such that I felt I could practically see the endorphins rushing through both of them.

This anecdote is just a simple illustration of attachment and responsive caregiving as going beyond simply life-giving tasks and how caregiver and baby are able to function in tune. It also demonstrates synchrony of emotions and brain waves that can be seen in dyads with good attachment. This is where you see the dyad functioning as a synchronous unit and see how important interactions and touch that are not just functional (designed to keep baby alive) are so important and strengthen the bond.

It also echoes how positive the attachment relationship is for both caregiver and baby and how babies will prefer their caregiver to anyone else. More than that, how little moments can mean so much and do so much more than we're seeing on the surface.

Now these contrasts are not to say that these mothers at the clinic never pay attention to their children and they’re bad parents or that the mother at the mall is always at 100% and getting right and is a perfect mother. We know that caregivers go through different things. I encountered each of these caregivers in completely different settings - one at a possibly casual shopping trip, and another having had to sit in a clinic line for at least one hour.

It does, however, highlight how social considerations, like socioeconomic status may affect how parents engage with their children, but also, most importantly, I believe how bonding can be achieved in the small moments. Whether it is the stress of life that makes you want to check out, not being able to get a break from the child when you need it or provide everything you want to for them. These issues cross socioeconomic borders but impact poorer caregivers especially hard.

To further illustrate my point, I have attached a link to a Tedtalk by a young girl about how the game peek-a-boo can change the world (How Every Child Can Thrive By Five | Molly Wright | TED Talk). I discussed this video in Part 5. In this video, she is essentially demonstrating how attachments can be built and destroyed in multiple small moments and it is so valuable to see what she means in real time through the interaction between a father and his baby. It shows how damaging ignoring children can be, but also how much giving them attention does for them.

Moments of connection mean the world to a young baby/child and can have resounding positive impact for their development.

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