Issue 1 - Reflective Piece

How we think of the child will always, always, always impact how we treat them - The Impacts of this are resounding

Each Issue has a reflective piece based on the topic discussed. To either illustrate the points made in the issue and how they come together and can be understood in real-world scenarios. They are also less academic, shorter pieces designed to be light-hearted, challenging, or relatable.

A few years ago, I wrote a reflective piece on a paper for a development module on an academic named Peleg’s conceptualisation of the child and the child’s rights, particularly their right to development. Despite doing quite well on it, I never thought much of it again. That is, until I had a discussion with someone recently about discipline. They were emphasising that discipline would always depend on how the parent thinks of the child - their purpose, capabilities, capacity, etc. I never thought much of it at the time, but this idea became more solidified to me after a recent trip to the mall, and I began to see more sense to it.

A woman and her partner were walking, and chose to go down the escalator, leaving their son (of about 10), who was pushing their trolley (one of those types that carry two baskets) behind them. Naturally, the boy followed his parents. Unfortunately, as most older people understand, the escalator was not built for trolleys (especially the types that carry baskets), so there was a lift right next to it for this very purpose.

However, as the parents did not appear to communicate to the boy that he should take this route - they just stepped on the escalator and left him behind - he followed them and found out the consequences. Naturally, the trolley tipped as the escalator moved downwards and the unattached baskets tipped over and fell out, spilling groceries everywhere, rolling down the escalator, and almost hitting people below him on the escalator. I watched as this poor boy tried to regain a handle of his groceries, possibly not fully understanding how this happened - and learning the lesson the hard way. Thankfully, there was a woman who helped the boy so that not everything would collapse.

The thing that shocked me the most however, was the mother’s reaction when her son reached the bottom of the escalator. She had been down there a while, waiting for him, and looking annoyed. Immediately, she pinched his ear repeatedly and swore at him, reminding him that she always said he was a “bleeping piece of bleep”. With those words, she looked at him in disgust, and walked away with her partner, leaving the boy to follow them again with the trolley. I was standing behind the boy at the time, so I couldn’t see his face directly, but he just stood there a long moment with his shoulders slouched, holding his ear. I imagined him feeling such embarrassment, confusion, fear, betrayal, and abandonment from the one person who was meant to be his safe space. Possibly not even understand exactly what he had done wrong.

I was filled with such fury at this woman, knowing that in that moment, with careless words, she was completely destroying this boy’s self-esteem, self-image, and attachment to her. Worse, she would likely continue to do so without intervention. Possibly down the line, the boy would grow up with resentment or some level of issues, which his mother would be confused about where they come from. We see this a lot where parents are the main cause of their children's issues in some way or other, but they don't see it at all. This confusion causes them to be even more frustrated with their child and creates an even deeper separation between the two.

What this incident solidified to me was that there is a problem with how parent/adults conceptualise children and their capabilities, and while that exists, the child can never reach their full potential, as it affects how you relate and speak to them, how you show love, teach, and guide them. A child might be harshly disciplined for making such a mistake as this young boy because "he should've known better" whereas he might not even have the capacity to know better. This boy might have known better or possibly been told before, but the problem is in the response of the person who's meant to be his guide in life.

Now, I know that this is not the brightest piece to start reflecting in a blog that looks for joy in childhood. But I think that such an example helps to show exactly how vulnerable children are, how prone they are to damage, and the implications of certain treatment on their future. I want to encourage us to be very careful about the words we speak to the children in our lives. I do not pretend to understand the complexity of circumstances that led to this kind of interaction or even assume any absolute wisdom on how to parent, teach, or discipline children, but something about this was heartbreaking. In many ways it dehumanised the boy, and even if his mother managed to teach him the lesson he needed to learn, she also did it by destroying a piece of him which will have a much more lasting and severe impact on him than knowing whether to use the lift in future.

It showed a mother with a harsh sense of discipline and who did not seem to be interested in engaging with her child, walking a considerable distance from him, and only engaging through punishment (in that space of a few minutes). Directly attacking him as a person, and not the act. This shows that children need guidance, healthy guidance that does not punish them harshly as they grow and make mistakes but encourages and communicates clearly with them. They need discipline and guidance that does not come against their identity, but which understands their position in life. This incident speaks to matters of identity which parents place on their children - which I discuss in the year-end Issue.

This is why the concept of the child is so important for us to remediate and probably the best place to begin in any kind of child development intervention - like a Developmental Science blog.

So we’ll start here. Let me introduce you to the child - who he is, how he thinks, feels, experiences, and makes sense of the world, and how your responses influence this process. He is precious, and with tender, loving care he will develop and grow more beautifully than you could ever imagine.

Thank you for tuning into Issue 1.

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